More about Sports

We are losing to Florida by 20 points with 9 minutes to go. We just fumbled the ball and the game is certainly over. What should I care? 2 Years ago we beat Florida for the first time ever. Last year we lost by 1 point and Florida went on to win the National Championship. This year. In a year we were supposed to be even better, and in a year when we had been ranked as high as 6, we are getting clobbered.

Heres the thing though. I spent years and years hoping to beat Florida. Years and years knowing that this was one game on the schedule that we just couldn't touch them. So we have 2 good years against them and now I expect to win every year? I don't know.

I am upset about this. Mostly because we were doing so well and have lost now 4 straight games. And we look awful too. So its really just the repeated losing and the continued drop off thats killing me.

But what is really wrong? I don't want to hurt this much. It bothers me still. I know its wrong to be this upset about it. Its too much for me. And I have been rehabilitating myself for sometime now, and I am disappointed to find that it may not be working as well as I'd hoped. I still get mad. I still want to throw things. I still want to slam things down. It still bugs me.

One thing, is that I left a lot of this behind me. I had calmed down to a nice simple and respectable appreciation for Gamecock Football. But people had pointed to 2007 as a potentially big year for us. As the year got going, it started to look like it might be something really special. And I let my guard down. Its just like bringing and alcoholic to a wine tasting I guess, cuz I was off the wagon.

So now, in addition to the pain I feel from losing, I have the pain of feeling a little like a sucker. A sucker because I essentially consciously said "I will let my guard down this time because it looks like this will be worth it" and I am getting hosed. Hosed by my team and by those people who said it was going to happen.

In the end the question is this....just what is my problem anyway? The problem is that I spent most of my life using sports as a way of hiding from pain and fear. For 25 years or so I did this. So much so that its not easy to stop. Even here and now. Today. When my life is probably more happy, more healthy and more in order than it has ever been. And yet here I am again, struggling to deal with something that I should be able to deal with.

Maybe its a good sign....now that I think of it. If I am as happy as I have ever been right now, then maybe its ok that I'm upset. Maybe it means that not all of my Football obsession was based on hiding from pain. Maybe some of it was and is just genuine love of team. I suppose thats a decent enough thing.

Wow...I feel better.

...Weird.

-T