Resolutions and Real Change

It is almost New Year's Eve once again, and once again we hear that word "resolutions" mentioned quite often. What does it mean? It is a tradition of the holidays, part of our standard operating procedure. Generally it is somewhat of a joke. People ask jokingly "what are your New Year's Resolutions?" People respond with a joke of some sort, "I won't make it a week without...." Smoking, Picking my Nose, Cussing, Eating something I shouldn't etc. etc.

I don't remember the first time I heard this. I believe I heard about resolutions right about the same time I heard about Times Square or Fireworks. So as far as I can tell this Tongue and Cheek "tradition" has always been there.

Then there is this question. Would any of us do this if we haven't always heard about it? The answer is...Yes, of course we would. It is in our nature. Just as we do at our birthdays or, for younger people, at the beginnings of new school years, we take the beginning of a new year as an opportunity to right things that we don't feel good about. Sometimes we require the feeling of a "clean slate" to make us feel like change is possible. What the kiddies call a "do over." We often have a tough time making real changes that matter and things like the celebration of the beginning of the new year can really be that chance that someone is looking for. Unfortunately, real change is lost in all the silliness surrounding New Year's Resolutions.

I will use this year to change. I am not making any resolution to speak of. I am becoming a different person. I have, for 18 months now, been on a tremendous emotional journey and I am not the man I once was. 18 months ago, I was scarcely a man at all. I will be different in 2008 because I have not the ability to go back to what I once was anyway. But I will use the turn to the New Year as a way to motivate myself to make real practical use of my new self.

In 2008 I will love myself. I will treat myself as if it is my sole God-appointed task to take care of me and help me to succeed. I will not listen to discouragement disguised as advice, given to me by people whom I do not respect. I will not let them hurt me simply because they are trying to protect themselves. I will respect my education and my talents and I will use them in the pursuit of art and of a satisfying life. I will not listen to those who try to tell me that it is not right. I will love my wife, the only person who has ever said they loved me who has truly, honestly, selflessly and devotedly loved me. I will love her every moment of every day and I will love her selflessly, how she wants and needs to be loved, not how I want to. I will listen to truth. I will listen to what I know is right. I will not listen to years and years of programmed nonsense disguised as values. Work ethic and love of family are coded messages meaning don't risk, don't try and don't get hurt. In 2008 I will be in action. I will go forward not back. I will seek and not hide. I will find new friends that think the way I do, and who have goals and dreams, not hobbies and fantasies. I will pray and bring my inner self to peace for the first time in 32 years.

But most of all, I will respect myself.

-Tom

Something about Christmas

Something has happened in recent years that is somewhat troubling. I have found that it can be incredibly easy to let most of the Christmas season go by unnoticed. I remember when Christmas didn't start in the Malls and Stores until December, but for me it started before Thanksgiving. Now, in the Stores, Christmas starts in early December, and I can't seem to get it going until a week before the day.

When I was in College, I just had to get through exams and then it was Christmas in all of its Yule Tide glory. Since those days, it has been less and less that way. I had a Christmas in Los Angeles where I still had time to do stuff. Steph and I went to her office Christmas party and I had time to build a sort of ramshackle tree. 75 degrees on Christmas Day in Los Angeles. (May not seem like Christmas to some, but for me it was just a shade above what I am used to.)

The next two were spent while I was working a new job and wrapped around some traveling, which made it difficult. These also were the last two times that I will spend Christmas Day without Stephanie.

Last year, we were both working so much that it was hard to get any time to think about it at all. This year we are living in a hotel on the road with my company and then we will be taking a long road trip during the Holiday season.

As long as I am with my Beautiful Wife, I will truly be happy. But really, I want a house of my own, a place to call home so that I can start celebrating the whole season and not just the day in question. Thats what I am going to give myself for Christmas next year.

There is one last thing. My Amazing Wife, knowing that this is the case, has done a spectacular job at organizing our Christmas Television Classics schedule. She has really made this a great Christmas in a year where it could easily be the most forgotten of all. Thank You Steph.

-Tom

Searching for Tom

Once again, I find myself searching for my former self. More accurately I'm looking for the place where my true personality intersects with everything I have learned about myself recently. The truth is, I feel that I have lost a lot of ME recently. What's worse is, if asked, I don't know that I could fully describe what ME is.

I would describe my former life as everything up to the point at which I moved to California. Since that time I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned about my family, my childhood, my hopes, my fears, and many of my issues. I have looked back on my former self with these new understandings and it really blew the lid off of some things for me. Most specifically, I found that a lot of my attitudes and activities were really just obsessive distractions compensating for some a lot of fear and insecurity.

As I realized more and more that this was the case, I worked to drop more and more of these pretenses from my life. The negative result has been that I lost most of my TRUE personality and am now a very generic and bland version of my former self.

Frankly, I am very boring and depressing and I want my SELF back. The good things about me, the fun things, the passionate things, are the things I want back. I used to have energy, thats what I want back. I'm coming to get it.

These Mother------s don't know how to act....
Yeah!
-Tom

Not Tonight...

Nope....not tonight.

Peace on Earth...
-T