Stephanie and I argued a lot this weekend. And I hate arguing. One of the great things about me and Steph is that we see the world in very similar ways. We have been living at my parent's house, waiting to get a job assignment. Trying to figure out our future. Its a lot of stress on us. When we argue, its usually because we are just not communicating about something that we probably agree on.
I have been just out of my head lately. I am stressed about family, work and our future. And I get mad and snap at her. I don't know why, but I have just been freaked out lately.
Stephanie gets it. She just gets it. Now she fights me back, and she doesn't take any crap off me. But when we take a minute to be cool, she reminds me of all the reasons why I should calm down.
Tonight she helped me a lot. She helped me to realize things that I really already know. She reminded me of why I got into this business. Because I wanted to live a life that was fun and exciting. She reminded me that while its important to work to get money for our movie, it is also important to make sure we are living the way we want to. I love her. She gets it. I'm so stressed out, and I'm sure glad shes here to keep me moving in the right direction.
Thanks Steph.
-T
Monday, January 09, 2006
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Downtown Charleston
Stephanie and I went downtown again today. Hopefully the last time we go before we leave. It was nice. Sans Sonny. We walked down King Street. This is one of my favorite places in Charleston. More so now than ever before. Mostly because its like a real city street. Stores and restaurants and apartments and art galleries. Its wonderful. We had a great time.
If I were to ever live here again, I would not live anywhere other than Downtown Charleston. I used to get all into the Charleston and Vicinity. What I considered to be practical Charleston. It stretched from the beaches all the way to Summerville.
I-526 is a beltway freeway that makes a loop through the city. I have now decided that anything outside of that can fall into the ocean for all I care. I am sick of the suburbs.
Im outta here.
If I were to ever live here again, I would not live anywhere other than Downtown Charleston. I used to get all into the Charleston and Vicinity. What I considered to be practical Charleston. It stretched from the beaches all the way to Summerville.
I-526 is a beltway freeway that makes a loop through the city. I have now decided that anything outside of that can fall into the ocean for all I care. I am sick of the suburbs.
Im outta here.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Lets talk about Film Noir
No one understands Film Noir, no one but Steph and I apparently.
Film Noir is not about shadows. It is not about crime. It is not about violence. It is not about bad women. Its not about camera angles. It is not about lighting. It is not about water. (as one person I know thinks it is)
Film Noir is about desperation.
These films were made starting around 1940 and ending in the late 50s. 2 very significant things happened around 1940. World War II began and the Great Depression ended. Most of the world was up and busy. The economy recovered, people had jobs again and things to do. The world was at war. War is an exciting time. I don't mean that its fun, just that it is exciting. People are really worked up. Most of popular entertainment reflected these things.
However, there was a smaller group that felt isolated from these events. Artists who did not really join the rest of the world in coming out of the depression. Some who did not share in exuberance that was being displayed in many parts of the world. They shared a view of the world that was negative and hopeless.
The mood at the core of the film noir movement was born out of this feeling. These movies are about desperate people. They are dark and brooding people. They are bored and without hope. They are miserable in their lives. They no longer see any difference between moral rights and wrongs because they don't think that anything matters anyway. This is why they commit crimes. Because what would be the difference? And at least the crime might shake up their lives in some way that being right would not. Most of their actions are dictated by boredom in some way.
The Maltese Falcon: Bogart is a private investigator. His partner gets killed, and he is almost totally without concern. Why? Not because he hated the guy, but because he simply doesn't care about anything. He gets involved in the case, because that is what he does. He believes he is in love. Because at this point, even a mild attraction would feel like love. In the end he is stuck with a bunch of squabbling thieves. He turns them over to the police, not because he is particularly honest, but because it simply isn't worth trying to get involved in.
Double Indemnity: Fred MacMurray is an insurance claims investigator. He has been doing it for a long time. He is great at it. He is bored and tired and is searching for anything that would make his life more interesting. Not searching particularly hard of course, because that would take desire and effort. Then something falls into his lap. A woman. Together, they cook up a scheme to defraud the insurance company. It eventually goes wrong, she dies, and he confesses before he dies too. He throws away his life because his life is miserable.
None of this has anything to do with lighting or camera angles or crime specifically. But these things are great devices to convey this mood. And it is not enough to just say it is a desperate and hopeless attitude. It is an attitude specific to the during and post war era in the U.S and Europe. The people who made these movies did not set out to make these kinds of movies. They just made movies. They just told stories that represented how they felt. It was only later that these movies were studied and grouped together.
I see all the time how people talk about new Noir Movies just because they are about crime or are dark or mysterious.
The Usual Suspects is not a Noir. Pulp Fiction is not a Noir. Sundance darling Brick, is not a Noir.
There are no new Noirs. But if there were, Fight Club would be closer to one. Because it deals much more with desparity of mankind. Not because its about crime and has some dark shadows in it.
I just wish people would know what they were talking about before they talked.
-T
Film Noir is not about shadows. It is not about crime. It is not about violence. It is not about bad women. Its not about camera angles. It is not about lighting. It is not about water. (as one person I know thinks it is)
Film Noir is about desperation.
These films were made starting around 1940 and ending in the late 50s. 2 very significant things happened around 1940. World War II began and the Great Depression ended. Most of the world was up and busy. The economy recovered, people had jobs again and things to do. The world was at war. War is an exciting time. I don't mean that its fun, just that it is exciting. People are really worked up. Most of popular entertainment reflected these things.
However, there was a smaller group that felt isolated from these events. Artists who did not really join the rest of the world in coming out of the depression. Some who did not share in exuberance that was being displayed in many parts of the world. They shared a view of the world that was negative and hopeless.
The mood at the core of the film noir movement was born out of this feeling. These movies are about desperate people. They are dark and brooding people. They are bored and without hope. They are miserable in their lives. They no longer see any difference between moral rights and wrongs because they don't think that anything matters anyway. This is why they commit crimes. Because what would be the difference? And at least the crime might shake up their lives in some way that being right would not. Most of their actions are dictated by boredom in some way.
The Maltese Falcon: Bogart is a private investigator. His partner gets killed, and he is almost totally without concern. Why? Not because he hated the guy, but because he simply doesn't care about anything. He gets involved in the case, because that is what he does. He believes he is in love. Because at this point, even a mild attraction would feel like love. In the end he is stuck with a bunch of squabbling thieves. He turns them over to the police, not because he is particularly honest, but because it simply isn't worth trying to get involved in.
Double Indemnity: Fred MacMurray is an insurance claims investigator. He has been doing it for a long time. He is great at it. He is bored and tired and is searching for anything that would make his life more interesting. Not searching particularly hard of course, because that would take desire and effort. Then something falls into his lap. A woman. Together, they cook up a scheme to defraud the insurance company. It eventually goes wrong, she dies, and he confesses before he dies too. He throws away his life because his life is miserable.
None of this has anything to do with lighting or camera angles or crime specifically. But these things are great devices to convey this mood. And it is not enough to just say it is a desperate and hopeless attitude. It is an attitude specific to the during and post war era in the U.S and Europe. The people who made these movies did not set out to make these kinds of movies. They just made movies. They just told stories that represented how they felt. It was only later that these movies were studied and grouped together.
I see all the time how people talk about new Noir Movies just because they are about crime or are dark or mysterious.
The Usual Suspects is not a Noir. Pulp Fiction is not a Noir. Sundance darling Brick, is not a Noir.
There are no new Noirs. But if there were, Fight Club would be closer to one. Because it deals much more with desparity of mankind. Not because its about crime and has some dark shadows in it.
I just wish people would know what they were talking about before they talked.
-T
Friday, January 06, 2006
Another week down
Ok, its been my uh..um..some number week at work and living here in Charleston for 2 full months now. I am so ready to get the heck out of here. I want out. I think today, I may have found out where I am going and when. I won't jinx it, by saying anything, but things may be looking up.
-T
-T
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Oh Wow!!!
Ok, just to update. Holy crap-a-moly! What a game. I hate to get all Kurt Warner on the situation but.....that was one of the greatest football games I have ever watched.
First off, its only great because of the importance of the game. Thats just the way it is. Plenty of great games in September just don't mean as much.
But wow. I have been waiting for USC to lose for what seems like forever. I had been favoring Texas over the last few years just because I had contemplated going there for a PhD program. But now, I must say, I think I am going to be a Longhorn fan for the rest of my life.
Hook'em baby!
-T
First off, its only great because of the importance of the game. Thats just the way it is. Plenty of great games in September just don't mean as much.
But wow. I have been waiting for USC to lose for what seems like forever. I had been favoring Texas over the last few years just because I had contemplated going there for a PhD program. But now, I must say, I think I am going to be a Longhorn fan for the rest of my life.
Hook'em baby!
-T
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
The Granddaddy of them all.
Tonight is the night. The Rose Bowl. The Granddaddy of all bowl games as some would say. The BCS got one right finally, some others might say. Some others might say that this is the most anticipated game in Football History. I don't know, but it should be pretty darned interesting though. I have been looking forward to this for a while.
As one of the few people that don't want there to be a playoff, I enjoyed this season thoroughly. I took great pleasure in watching the undefeated teams lose games week after week. You get to about 4 weeks in and there are about 8 unbeaton teams. Week after week, they get knocked off. The problem is that ususally there is only 1 unbeaton team at year's end. And then all the sorry 1 loss teams are fighting over that second spot. Last year's problem was that there were 3 undefeated teams.
Most people think this is a big problem and year after year they complain about how bad it is. I don't think its bad year after year. I ll fight over that issue like anyone. But in this case. We got exacly what we wanted. A clear cut 2 best teams playing each other game. So lets put the argument on hold until next year.
This is the Rose Bowl after all.
-T
Hook'em Horns!!
As one of the few people that don't want there to be a playoff, I enjoyed this season thoroughly. I took great pleasure in watching the undefeated teams lose games week after week. You get to about 4 weeks in and there are about 8 unbeaton teams. Week after week, they get knocked off. The problem is that ususally there is only 1 unbeaton team at year's end. And then all the sorry 1 loss teams are fighting over that second spot. Last year's problem was that there were 3 undefeated teams.
Most people think this is a big problem and year after year they complain about how bad it is. I don't think its bad year after year. I ll fight over that issue like anyone. But in this case. We got exacly what we wanted. A clear cut 2 best teams playing each other game. So lets put the argument on hold until next year.
This is the Rose Bowl after all.
-T
Hook'em Horns!!
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
The Tom and Steph Constitution
A little something Steph and I did on New Year's Eve was to draft a constitution for our Movement. It may sound silly, but thats ok. Its what we do. Because Stephanie and I are tired of people not striving to be the best they can be. We are tired of people settling for less than they should. We believe life is for living, and not just surviving. Ourselves included. For that purpose, we wrote this.
We the people of the United Minds, in order to form a more perfect society, establish truth, in sure growth and creativity, and secure the blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Minds of America
Article I: Integrity
Do that which you claim you will do. Be that which you claim to be. Live a life that is both genuine and true. Treat every action you take, every task you perform and every promise you make as the though the sanctity of your name were staked upon its success. Every word you speak is a promise you make.
Article II: Presence
Be present in the world around you. Let not one moment pass by without your knowledge. Be in charge, take control, direct yourself purposefully at all times. Waste not by lethargy, apothy or timidity one moment better spent in the pursuit of truth.
Article III: Purpose
Seek meaning and substance in your life. Spend the short time on Earth that is yours in the pursuit of accomplishments that better yourself and the world around you. Search for that which exists within you which is creative and true and which serves to enlighten those who exist in darkness.
Whether life exists by accident or by intelligent design, its existance shall be revered as a gift bestowed upon us all. We shall live our lives in appreciation of this gift and in understanding of its importance. We shall utilize for the good of all, the gift of the mind. Think.
We the people of the United Minds, in order to form a more perfect society, establish truth, in sure growth and creativity, and secure the blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United Minds of America
Article I: Integrity
Do that which you claim you will do. Be that which you claim to be. Live a life that is both genuine and true. Treat every action you take, every task you perform and every promise you make as the though the sanctity of your name were staked upon its success. Every word you speak is a promise you make.
Article II: Presence
Be present in the world around you. Let not one moment pass by without your knowledge. Be in charge, take control, direct yourself purposefully at all times. Waste not by lethargy, apothy or timidity one moment better spent in the pursuit of truth.
Article III: Purpose
Seek meaning and substance in your life. Spend the short time on Earth that is yours in the pursuit of accomplishments that better yourself and the world around you. Search for that which exists within you which is creative and true and which serves to enlighten those who exist in darkness.
Whether life exists by accident or by intelligent design, its existance shall be revered as a gift bestowed upon us all. We shall live our lives in appreciation of this gift and in understanding of its importance. We shall utilize for the good of all, the gift of the mind. Think.
Monday, January 02, 2006
New Year's Eve
A little more about my New Year's Eve celebration this year. Or last year I guess. Steph and I tossed around some things we might do, but in the end we decided to stay in. So went out and got a little Champagne and I dug out my collector 2000 Millenium glasses which were never used.
We had a good night. We watched When Harry Met Sally and then had ice cream as we waited to ring in the New Year. As the time approached, I popped the cork on the Champagne
We had a good night. We watched When Harry Met Sally and then had ice cream as we waited to ring in the New Year. As the time approached, I popped the cork on the Champagne
This is something I won't soon forget. I have never done this before, and wasn't sure what to expect. I know this though, it made quite a loud POP sound and the cork fired in the air, hit the ceiling and landed behind the television. Its scared the crap out of me and I am glad no one got hurt. The Champagne was ok. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it was fun.
Steph and I set out to write a constitution for ourselves. Kind of like New Year's Resolutions, but more like mission statement for our Future endeavors. I'll post it tomorrow.
As the time came and the ball dropped (its nice to be in the same time zone as the ball for once) we shared a kiss and promised to make 2006 the best year ever.
It was probably the best New Year's Eve I have ever had. It was a great night, and I feel energized to take on the New Year.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Welcome 2006
Happy New Year everyone. Its 2006. Can you believe that? 2006? I love New Year's Eve and Day. Its a real time of reflection and contemplation. Something that is really needed by a lot of folks. Me especially. So there are two things to do today. Determine where I am now and where I want to be at Year's end. Then to make some specific resolutions.
Resolutions are kind of an overdone thing. They are talked up and made into a big deal, but are usually joked about. I think they are important though. I think this is a time that you can really use to help you better yourself. Most people struggle to do things to better themselves. It can be hard to just set a goal and stick to it. Sometimes, you need a little something to make your resolve stronger. It would be nice to be able to just make a change on its own merits, but sometimes we need more than that to make us stick to it. You know what? Thats ok. Don't worry too much about doing something the right way, just get it done. If it takes doing it this way, then do it this way. This is what I want to work on this year.
Where I am and where I am going.
Something Steph and I talked about was learning to work with yourself. I need to relax a little about fixing problems and make sure I get done what needs to be done. Sometimes its not important to do it the "right" way, its just important to get it done. If last year was about fixing and breaking down, this year is about building up.
I will continue to build a relationship with Stephanie. Last year I broke away all of the nonsense and issues and questions that we had before. This year, I am excited to build something positive and great. We will continue our quest to unlock the secrets of the universe.
The Movie is coming. Stephanie and I will make our movie. It is our dream. No, it is the beginning of our dream. Making dreams come to life is the theme of 2006. And oh by the way, I'm going to see a baseball game at every single baseball stadium this year. Not bad huh?
and now for some resolutions.
I will get in shape.
Not just that. I will run a 10k in under an hour. I will do more than 10 pull-ups at a time. I will have one of those tight hard stomachs.
I will write.
I will write a feature length screenplay on my own. I will organize all projects that I have in my head. I will work on them all and plan which ones can be made and how.
I will learn to speak Spanish
This one I am ripping off from Stephanie. I have always wanted to do it. This year will be the best time, Steph and I can work together on this one and it will make it easier for us both.
I will learn to to be more socially acceptable. I will cuss less. I will dress better. I will eat better. I will learn how to manage the post office and the grocery store and social situations. I WILL ATTEND SOCIAL SITUATIONS!!
These things, and others, are what will make 2006 the best year yet. And next year,when Steph and I are in NY or some other fun New Year's Eve local, I will recap what I have accomplished. It will be an incredible year.
So lets get it on.
-T
Resolutions are kind of an overdone thing. They are talked up and made into a big deal, but are usually joked about. I think they are important though. I think this is a time that you can really use to help you better yourself. Most people struggle to do things to better themselves. It can be hard to just set a goal and stick to it. Sometimes, you need a little something to make your resolve stronger. It would be nice to be able to just make a change on its own merits, but sometimes we need more than that to make us stick to it. You know what? Thats ok. Don't worry too much about doing something the right way, just get it done. If it takes doing it this way, then do it this way. This is what I want to work on this year.
Where I am and where I am going.
Something Steph and I talked about was learning to work with yourself. I need to relax a little about fixing problems and make sure I get done what needs to be done. Sometimes its not important to do it the "right" way, its just important to get it done. If last year was about fixing and breaking down, this year is about building up.
I will continue to build a relationship with Stephanie. Last year I broke away all of the nonsense and issues and questions that we had before. This year, I am excited to build something positive and great. We will continue our quest to unlock the secrets of the universe.
The Movie is coming. Stephanie and I will make our movie. It is our dream. No, it is the beginning of our dream. Making dreams come to life is the theme of 2006. And oh by the way, I'm going to see a baseball game at every single baseball stadium this year. Not bad huh?
and now for some resolutions.
I will get in shape.
Not just that. I will run a 10k in under an hour. I will do more than 10 pull-ups at a time. I will have one of those tight hard stomachs.
I will write.
I will write a feature length screenplay on my own. I will organize all projects that I have in my head. I will work on them all and plan which ones can be made and how.
I will learn to speak Spanish
This one I am ripping off from Stephanie. I have always wanted to do it. This year will be the best time, Steph and I can work together on this one and it will make it easier for us both.
I will learn to to be more socially acceptable. I will cuss less. I will dress better. I will eat better. I will learn how to manage the post office and the grocery store and social situations. I WILL ATTEND SOCIAL SITUATIONS!!
These things, and others, are what will make 2006 the best year yet. And next year,when Steph and I are in NY or some other fun New Year's Eve local, I will recap what I have accomplished. It will be an incredible year.
So lets get it on.
-T
Saturday, December 31, 2005
So Long 2005
I began this year in Salt Lake City Utah. I end it in Charleston South Carolina. I began this year with goals and plans. I end it with accomplishments and satisfaction.
Some important things happened to me this year.
1st. Stephanie.
Stephanie has been happening to me for several years now. However, at the beginning of this year I still did not know what would or could happen to us. I knew that I loved her. She had been my best friend for several years. But I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to be in a real relationship at all. Steph and I didn't bond that way. We came together with the idea that serious relationships only keep people from pursuing their dreams. It was a bad way to start a relationship.
But I came to a realization this year. The real reason that Steph and I came together is that we both believe that following our dreams is the most important thing. Additionally, our dreams are practically the same thing. I also realized that I have been in a relationship for a while now, and I DO like it. I still believe that they are bad for people early in life, but Steph and I are doing it the right way. We are making our own model for success together, and I love it. We are trailblazers.
2nd. Star Wars
2005 was the last and greatest single year for Star Wars ever. I came into last year salivating for Revenge of the Sith. There has never been another movie with this specific kind of presure on it. Since 1980, when we found out who Darth Vader really was, we knew this movie existed. It existed in concept if not actually on film. For 25 years I have been waiting to see how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. If this doesn't seem important well then I don't know what to tell you. But I hoped and prayed it would be what I wanted. New toys were going to come out. New Fast Food promotions. Trailers and Commercials. And of course Tickets going on sale. And "THE LINE" How would it be this year? Which theater would I go to? How early will I have to be there? Will I be able to convince Stephanie to go? How much money will it make? How many times will I see it? Will I like it?
Guess what? It was EVERYTHING and more. The toys were great. I got almost every single one. Which I never have done in a given movie year. I got tickets a month early. I got in line on Wednesday afternoon at 3:55, and Stephanie Joined me around 6. We waited until they let us in at 10. We got good seats. The movie started, I was so nervous I wanted to throw up. I'm nuts, I know. It was fantastic. I was floored. It has been 7 months now since I saw it, and I can confidently say it is the best movie of the 6. It made 50 million dollars in a single day. 16 million at midnight shows alone. There were 3am and 6am shows in some cities. It made 380 million dollars. Stephanie went with me and she loved it too. I saw it 10 times, including once in digital at the humongous Cinerama Dome at the Arclight in Hollywood and once at a drive in. It was as satisfying a conclusion to a series of films and to a part of my life as there possibly could have been.
3. Getting my life together. This is something that I knew would probably be a two part deal. And after year one, I am where I want to be. Coming into this year, I was still a little scared. I still was unsure of what I can do. I was still unsure of what I wanted to be. Did I have the guts to go through with my plans. I talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I tell people that I won't live a humdrum robot life that I feel most people do. Yet I am still not sure if I can fight my fears and go after it. I am still sloppy, I am still unorganized, I am still out of shape.
Today, I am more organized. I am not there yet. I am less sloppy, but improving. I am in lousy shape still, but plans are in place. I have paid off all of my debts, excluding student loans. I am out of Utah, which I felt was a bad place for us. I am working a job that has the potential to send us off on our movie making dreams. I am more confident in my abilities, I am more focused, I am more determined. The best thing is that I am paying attention. I am in gear now. With still a way to go, I am well on the road, and it feels really good.
2005 was a good year. It was a hard year, it was not always a fun year. 5 or 10 years down the road however, I think we will see that 2005 was the year it all turned around for me. I feel like this was the year I really began my new life.
When 2000 came around, I really got thinking about myself. That year I began to pull myself up. I set a goal to change my life around. To rededicate myself to being the best I can be. It took some time to get going. I was in a pretty deep hole. But 5 years later I feel like the turnaround is complete. I am truly on the right path. Right emotionally, right spritually, right professionally. I have a long way to go. But I finish this year, more confident than I have ever been in my life.
So Long 2005. Thanks for everything......Bring on 2006!
Some important things happened to me this year.
1st. Stephanie.
Stephanie has been happening to me for several years now. However, at the beginning of this year I still did not know what would or could happen to us. I knew that I loved her. She had been my best friend for several years. But I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to be in a real relationship at all. Steph and I didn't bond that way. We came together with the idea that serious relationships only keep people from pursuing their dreams. It was a bad way to start a relationship.
But I came to a realization this year. The real reason that Steph and I came together is that we both believe that following our dreams is the most important thing. Additionally, our dreams are practically the same thing. I also realized that I have been in a relationship for a while now, and I DO like it. I still believe that they are bad for people early in life, but Steph and I are doing it the right way. We are making our own model for success together, and I love it. We are trailblazers.
2nd. Star Wars
2005 was the last and greatest single year for Star Wars ever. I came into last year salivating for Revenge of the Sith. There has never been another movie with this specific kind of presure on it. Since 1980, when we found out who Darth Vader really was, we knew this movie existed. It existed in concept if not actually on film. For 25 years I have been waiting to see how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader. If this doesn't seem important well then I don't know what to tell you. But I hoped and prayed it would be what I wanted. New toys were going to come out. New Fast Food promotions. Trailers and Commercials. And of course Tickets going on sale. And "THE LINE" How would it be this year? Which theater would I go to? How early will I have to be there? Will I be able to convince Stephanie to go? How much money will it make? How many times will I see it? Will I like it?
Guess what? It was EVERYTHING and more. The toys were great. I got almost every single one. Which I never have done in a given movie year. I got tickets a month early. I got in line on Wednesday afternoon at 3:55, and Stephanie Joined me around 6. We waited until they let us in at 10. We got good seats. The movie started, I was so nervous I wanted to throw up. I'm nuts, I know. It was fantastic. I was floored. It has been 7 months now since I saw it, and I can confidently say it is the best movie of the 6. It made 50 million dollars in a single day. 16 million at midnight shows alone. There were 3am and 6am shows in some cities. It made 380 million dollars. Stephanie went with me and she loved it too. I saw it 10 times, including once in digital at the humongous Cinerama Dome at the Arclight in Hollywood and once at a drive in. It was as satisfying a conclusion to a series of films and to a part of my life as there possibly could have been.
3. Getting my life together. This is something that I knew would probably be a two part deal. And after year one, I am where I want to be. Coming into this year, I was still a little scared. I still was unsure of what I can do. I was still unsure of what I wanted to be. Did I have the guts to go through with my plans. I talk the talk, but don't walk the walk. I tell people that I won't live a humdrum robot life that I feel most people do. Yet I am still not sure if I can fight my fears and go after it. I am still sloppy, I am still unorganized, I am still out of shape.
Today, I am more organized. I am not there yet. I am less sloppy, but improving. I am in lousy shape still, but plans are in place. I have paid off all of my debts, excluding student loans. I am out of Utah, which I felt was a bad place for us. I am working a job that has the potential to send us off on our movie making dreams. I am more confident in my abilities, I am more focused, I am more determined. The best thing is that I am paying attention. I am in gear now. With still a way to go, I am well on the road, and it feels really good.
2005 was a good year. It was a hard year, it was not always a fun year. 5 or 10 years down the road however, I think we will see that 2005 was the year it all turned around for me. I feel like this was the year I really began my new life.
When 2000 came around, I really got thinking about myself. That year I began to pull myself up. I set a goal to change my life around. To rededicate myself to being the best I can be. It took some time to get going. I was in a pretty deep hole. But 5 years later I feel like the turnaround is complete. I am truly on the right path. Right emotionally, right spritually, right professionally. I have a long way to go. But I finish this year, more confident than I have ever been in my life.
So Long 2005. Thanks for everything......Bring on 2006!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Why can't I have what I want?
Stephanie used to say this a lot to me. And she made sense. It sounds like a selfish thing to ask. But why? If I do not ask for unreasonable things, and I do not ask for anything that has not been promised me, then why can't I get what I want?
The answer: Welcome to the Real World.
What?!?
The real world? Thats what they tell me. Thats the real world. You can't have what you want. You can't do what you want. You have to grow up, be realistic, the world doesn't work that way etc.
What?!? I say again.
What do I want? Ok, I want to be treated with respect. I want people to honor their commitments. I want people to behave as though they care about what they are doing.
So maybe if I said "I want someone to knock on my door and offer me my dream job" then I can understand that it doesn't work that way. But I don't want that. I'll get my own job. I'll make my own dreams come true. But don't get in my way just because you have given up on your life.
I want you to not forget my sauce with my mcnuggets. I want you to use your damned turn signals. I want you to not be mad at me for going the speed limit just because you left the house too late. I want you to not expect me to do something that you never asked me to do. And I want to not be called selfish if I say I have other plans. I want you to not be out of the "guarenteed in stock" items. I want you to deliver on time your "guarenteed to be there by.." items. And if I ask you to do something, don't reluctantly agree and then pout and expect me to let you out of it. Just say no. And when I just say no, don't get mad at me for it.
I am sick and tired of the lack of honesty that is everywhere. Everyone is playing this strange game of "tell people what they want to hear, until you can figure a way to get out of it."
I just want to do what I want to do. I'll take care of my part, just don't get in my way by not taking care of yours.
-T
The answer: Welcome to the Real World.
What?!?
The real world? Thats what they tell me. Thats the real world. You can't have what you want. You can't do what you want. You have to grow up, be realistic, the world doesn't work that way etc.
What?!? I say again.
What do I want? Ok, I want to be treated with respect. I want people to honor their commitments. I want people to behave as though they care about what they are doing.
So maybe if I said "I want someone to knock on my door and offer me my dream job" then I can understand that it doesn't work that way. But I don't want that. I'll get my own job. I'll make my own dreams come true. But don't get in my way just because you have given up on your life.
I want you to not forget my sauce with my mcnuggets. I want you to use your damned turn signals. I want you to not be mad at me for going the speed limit just because you left the house too late. I want you to not expect me to do something that you never asked me to do. And I want to not be called selfish if I say I have other plans. I want you to not be out of the "guarenteed in stock" items. I want you to deliver on time your "guarenteed to be there by.." items. And if I ask you to do something, don't reluctantly agree and then pout and expect me to let you out of it. Just say no. And when I just say no, don't get mad at me for it.
I am sick and tired of the lack of honesty that is everywhere. Everyone is playing this strange game of "tell people what they want to hear, until you can figure a way to get out of it."
I just want to do what I want to do. I'll take care of my part, just don't get in my way by not taking care of yours.
-T
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Feeling sick again.
I am now making up for my sickness from a few weeks back. The strange illness I had that had no head symptoms. It was a stomach bug, and I didn't know how to handle being sick without snot and goo and sore throats and hacking, hocking, coughing and spitting.
Now I have that. I have all of those things. But no stomach issues. Weird. I'm walking around work, because overall I feel fine. I'm not particularly tired or fatigued. I'm not weak or queezy. I'm not dizzy or nauseaus or anything at all. I feel basically fine, other than my head weighs about 42 pounds.
A side issue to this, is this. I went looking for some medicine at my parents' house. I found some Walgreen's brand cough syrup. Problem is, it expired early this year. Springtime I think. I don't know if its bad for you to take expired cough syrup. Probably not really. However, its also likely that it won't be particularly effective either. So I didn't take it, and looked for something else. I found some Wal Mart brand cough syrup. Checked the expiration date....May of 2003!!! Wait a second.
I wonder how much of a problem this is. I kind of get it. You only use medicine when you get sick. So if you don't use it all, you may not use it again for a while. Additionally, a lot of times, I'll end up buying new medicine each time I get sick. I don't know if everyone does this. A lot of times I'll start to feel it, and I won't take anything right away. Then by lunch I'll realize I need something so I'll go to the store and buy something. I suppose this happened here at my family's house. Well in the case of the 2005 expiration date maybe....2003? I don't know.
I went and bought some new stuff, so hopefully that will work. I threw the others out though.
-T
Now I have that. I have all of those things. But no stomach issues. Weird. I'm walking around work, because overall I feel fine. I'm not particularly tired or fatigued. I'm not weak or queezy. I'm not dizzy or nauseaus or anything at all. I feel basically fine, other than my head weighs about 42 pounds.
A side issue to this, is this. I went looking for some medicine at my parents' house. I found some Walgreen's brand cough syrup. Problem is, it expired early this year. Springtime I think. I don't know if its bad for you to take expired cough syrup. Probably not really. However, its also likely that it won't be particularly effective either. So I didn't take it, and looked for something else. I found some Wal Mart brand cough syrup. Checked the expiration date....May of 2003!!! Wait a second.
I wonder how much of a problem this is. I kind of get it. You only use medicine when you get sick. So if you don't use it all, you may not use it again for a while. Additionally, a lot of times, I'll end up buying new medicine each time I get sick. I don't know if everyone does this. A lot of times I'll start to feel it, and I won't take anything right away. Then by lunch I'll realize I need something so I'll go to the store and buy something. I suppose this happened here at my family's house. Well in the case of the 2005 expiration date maybe....2003? I don't know.
I went and bought some new stuff, so hopefully that will work. I threw the others out though.
-T
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
ERRRRRRR
Somedays you know that the world just doesn't function the way its supposed to. And today is one of those days..... I don't want to and can't get into it today. But trust upon trust dear reader that in the not to distant future, there will be a wonderful rant filled with bile and venom.
-T
-T
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Stephanie is Home!
Woo-Hoo Woo-Hoo Stephanie is home. Sonny is Happy, I am Happy. I got some more presents too. Star Wars Pez Collection, Star Wars Video Game and super snazzy fancy pants 4 disc Gone with the Wind set.
I'm glad your back Steph. I missed you.
-T
I'm glad your back Steph. I missed you.
-T
Monday, December 26, 2005
An extra day
Today was a great day. It was basically like a free day. Nothing really Christmas related to do, so a good day to get some work done. Most specifically, cleaning my room some more.
I spent all day in that room today. Ruthless. Thats the attitude one must have. I have so much crap, that I just don't need. Keepsake type stuff that I will never look at again. So I started chucking it out. And I did alright too.
I watched two movies while I did it. Oh Brother Where Art Thou and Snatch. I love these movies. Very funny, and good for while you are cleaning too.
Tonight, my Cousin Jennifer came over. We watched EDtv. I love that movie too. Very underappreciated. Overshadowed by The Truman Show, but it is much better.
A free day, and effective one at that.
-T
I spent all day in that room today. Ruthless. Thats the attitude one must have. I have so much crap, that I just don't need. Keepsake type stuff that I will never look at again. So I started chucking it out. And I did alright too.
I watched two movies while I did it. Oh Brother Where Art Thou and Snatch. I love these movies. Very funny, and good for while you are cleaning too.
Tonight, my Cousin Jennifer came over. We watched EDtv. I love that movie too. Very underappreciated. Overshadowed by The Truman Show, but it is much better.
A free day, and effective one at that.
-T
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Merry Christmas to all
Its Christmas Day. A magical, and very busy, day for most people. That holds true here as well. But it is great isn't it?
This morning, it was Christmas at our house. Mom, Dad, Sonny and Me. We opened our gifts. I made out pretty well. I got 400 bucks toward a camera that Steph and I are buying. I got some memory for my computer. I got a computer bag that I don't need, but that I can exchange. And, of course, I got some underwear.
This afternoon, it was Christmas at my Granddaddy's place. All of us Andrews folks meet there and Eat....a lot. It was a great time.
All and all, a good day. I was tired and full when it was over, which is what you want.
I talked to Steph a few times, sounds like she got good stuff too. I can't wait to see her.
-T
This morning, it was Christmas at our house. Mom, Dad, Sonny and Me. We opened our gifts. I made out pretty well. I got 400 bucks toward a camera that Steph and I are buying. I got some memory for my computer. I got a computer bag that I don't need, but that I can exchange. And, of course, I got some underwear.
This afternoon, it was Christmas at my Granddaddy's place. All of us Andrews folks meet there and Eat....a lot. It was a great time.
All and all, a good day. I was tired and full when it was over, which is what you want.
I talked to Steph a few times, sounds like she got good stuff too. I can't wait to see her.
-T
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Its Christmas Eve
One thing I have noticed. If you havent finished your shopping by about the 10th of December, just wait until Christmas Eve. I went to about 6 different stores this morning in no time at all. Very easy. Clearly the best time to go and it is an age old tradition in my family. As we tend to be procrastinators.
Tonight I had my mom's family over for Christmas. We have been doing it this way for a long time. I'm not sure when it started. It wasn't this way when I was a kid. I did Christmas at both Grandparents' houses on Christmas Day. It was nice today.
First. There was Aunt Joyce and the Macaroni Pie!! Oh my is it good. It was conspicuously missing from Thanksgiving this year, but not from Christmas.
Second, there is Aris Nicole. She is the life of the party and the center of attention. As most toddlers are, I'm sure. My cousin asked me if Aris was walking yet. Ha ha. You'll see I said. Though not quite in that jerky way.
Lastly, its a good chance to have a large group of family in one place and a lot of talking that isn't forced. And no TV. I like to see a circle of people all facing inward and talking, rather than focused on the TV. People use the TV as a crutch, to fill in the blank spots in the conversation. Its nice to see a time when that just isn't necessary.
Only one bummer tonight. No Stephanie. I hadn't given much thought to Stephanie's leaving for Boston. Of course I'd miss her, but I was glad for her to get to be with her parents. However, I really didn't expect it to feel like she was missing the way it did. I mean I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, but I noticed she wasn't there with me and I wanted her to be. I don't want to do Christmas without her anymore.
Its proof that Christmas is what they says it is. A special time to be with those that you love most. I would think that it might be easy to not miss Steph too much, just because I am doing the exact same traditions as I always did. She was never there before, so you might think I wouldn't notice that she wasn't there now. But I did. She easily qualifies as a member of "those I love most" and I wanted her to be here. Next year will be different.
I think I hear Santa....so happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
-T
Tonight I had my mom's family over for Christmas. We have been doing it this way for a long time. I'm not sure when it started. It wasn't this way when I was a kid. I did Christmas at both Grandparents' houses on Christmas Day. It was nice today.
First. There was Aunt Joyce and the Macaroni Pie!! Oh my is it good. It was conspicuously missing from Thanksgiving this year, but not from Christmas.
Second, there is Aris Nicole. She is the life of the party and the center of attention. As most toddlers are, I'm sure. My cousin asked me if Aris was walking yet. Ha ha. You'll see I said. Though not quite in that jerky way.
Lastly, its a good chance to have a large group of family in one place and a lot of talking that isn't forced. And no TV. I like to see a circle of people all facing inward and talking, rather than focused on the TV. People use the TV as a crutch, to fill in the blank spots in the conversation. Its nice to see a time when that just isn't necessary.
Only one bummer tonight. No Stephanie. I hadn't given much thought to Stephanie's leaving for Boston. Of course I'd miss her, but I was glad for her to get to be with her parents. However, I really didn't expect it to feel like she was missing the way it did. I mean I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, but I noticed she wasn't there with me and I wanted her to be. I don't want to do Christmas without her anymore.
Its proof that Christmas is what they says it is. A special time to be with those that you love most. I would think that it might be easy to not miss Steph too much, just because I am doing the exact same traditions as I always did. She was never there before, so you might think I wouldn't notice that she wasn't there now. But I did. She easily qualifies as a member of "those I love most" and I wanted her to be here. Next year will be different.
I think I hear Santa....so happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
-T
Friday, December 23, 2005
Holidays vs. Christmas
Im going to get into this only for just a moment. Every year, this becomes a bigger deal. Stores getting rid of the word Christmas. And every year. The News comes on and talks about the controversy. And every year they show a bunch of people who think its wrong.
You know what they never show? People who think Christmas IS offensive. You know why? Because no one thinks that.
And you know else? No one cares either. This is just another media concoction. Its another STORY. Stories are what get the ratings. News is when when someone gets murdered. The story is the two weeks after the murder when they bring it up again and again, because they know it gets better ratings than Seinfeld reruns.
This is another story. Another way to fill time and get people stirred up. Its not real. And the worst thing anyone can do, is actually discuss this as an "issue."
Just let it go and enjoy your Christmas. Don't give in to the scam. Don't get suckered in. Remeber War Games. "The only winning move is Not To Play"
-T
You know what they never show? People who think Christmas IS offensive. You know why? Because no one thinks that.
And you know else? No one cares either. This is just another media concoction. Its another STORY. Stories are what get the ratings. News is when when someone gets murdered. The story is the two weeks after the murder when they bring it up again and again, because they know it gets better ratings than Seinfeld reruns.
This is another story. Another way to fill time and get people stirred up. Its not real. And the worst thing anyone can do, is actually discuss this as an "issue."
Just let it go and enjoy your Christmas. Don't give in to the scam. Don't get suckered in. Remeber War Games. "The only winning move is Not To Play"
-T
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Alone at home.
Stephanie left today to go back to Boston for Christmas. The Son and I are struggling with it just a bit. Sonny will be sleeping in the bed with me tonight. And I expect he will be restless, as he always is when she is gone.
Its not that he is too sad, just always on edge. The dog and that gal have some kind of special kinship. Its pretty cool to watch sometimes.
Anyway, I have sworn to have my room done by the time she gets back, so I must get on it. Hopefully I can make some headway.
-T
Its not that he is too sad, just always on edge. The dog and that gal have some kind of special kinship. Its pretty cool to watch sometimes.
Anyway, I have sworn to have my room done by the time she gets back, so I must get on it. Hopefully I can make some headway.
-T
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Once an idiot. Now an A-hole
Johnny Damon is a jerk. More than that, he's stupid. He really stuck it to the fans now. Usually I think the players are just doing good business, and I think that they can work wherever they'd like. This, however, is just not right.
After leading the Red Sox to the once unthinkable World Series Championship, JD has left the Sox for the Hated Yankees. And for once, I think this is a real example of a player having no class. We know it isn't money. The Yankees didn't pay much more than the Sox would have paid.
No, clearly this is about attention, and how Johnny can get more of it. He knows that if he stays with the Sox, that it is not particularly big news. He knows that if he goes somewhere else, its not particularly big news. But having signed late last night with the Yanks, he is already the number one sports story of the day and one of the biggest regular stories of the day.
Just another way to add to that Damon ego. The thing is, there were things that we all liked about the guy. And assuming that he is a good guy, then all of those quirky things make him a cool eccentric neat kind of guy. However, when you find out that he is a selfish jerk, then suddenly it casts a different light on all of the fun quirky things he did before.
And he gave up the chance at a real legacy. To be one of the few guys to bring the Sox from almost a century of bad luck and losing the big one. He gave up the chance to be one of those special baseball legends. The kind that everyone remembers, even though they weren't hall of famers.
Heres one:
Fernandomania in LA in the early 80s. One of my earliest baseball memories. Fernando didn't end up being a legendary pitcher, but his legacy as a Dodger is Legendary and unforgettable.
Heres one on the way perhaps.
Eric Gagne. I don't know whats going to happen with him. I know that he is THE most popular Dodger out there. I know that people go to the games just to see him. I know that Angelinos stay till the end of the game just to see him. Contrary to what you might have heard. And if he walks from the Dodgers this year, and went to the Giants we would be devastated.
And that just the Dodgers/Giants. A rivalry that has not been nearly as intense as the Yanks/Sox of late. Devastated I tell you.
Johnny, you suck. Everybody around the league. Royals fans, D-Backs fans, Mariners fans, everyone hates you. Everyone is blown away.
Welcome to being the Poster Boy for Selfish Ballplayers everywhere. At least A-Rod will like you for taking that crown from him. And by the way, better not slump in April because the Yanks fans will turn on you too.
Jackass!
-T
After leading the Red Sox to the once unthinkable World Series Championship, JD has left the Sox for the Hated Yankees. And for once, I think this is a real example of a player having no class. We know it isn't money. The Yankees didn't pay much more than the Sox would have paid.
No, clearly this is about attention, and how Johnny can get more of it. He knows that if he stays with the Sox, that it is not particularly big news. He knows that if he goes somewhere else, its not particularly big news. But having signed late last night with the Yanks, he is already the number one sports story of the day and one of the biggest regular stories of the day.
Just another way to add to that Damon ego. The thing is, there were things that we all liked about the guy. And assuming that he is a good guy, then all of those quirky things make him a cool eccentric neat kind of guy. However, when you find out that he is a selfish jerk, then suddenly it casts a different light on all of the fun quirky things he did before.
And he gave up the chance at a real legacy. To be one of the few guys to bring the Sox from almost a century of bad luck and losing the big one. He gave up the chance to be one of those special baseball legends. The kind that everyone remembers, even though they weren't hall of famers.
Heres one:
Fernandomania in LA in the early 80s. One of my earliest baseball memories. Fernando didn't end up being a legendary pitcher, but his legacy as a Dodger is Legendary and unforgettable.
Heres one on the way perhaps.
Eric Gagne. I don't know whats going to happen with him. I know that he is THE most popular Dodger out there. I know that people go to the games just to see him. I know that Angelinos stay till the end of the game just to see him. Contrary to what you might have heard. And if he walks from the Dodgers this year, and went to the Giants we would be devastated.
And that just the Dodgers/Giants. A rivalry that has not been nearly as intense as the Yanks/Sox of late. Devastated I tell you.
Johnny, you suck. Everybody around the league. Royals fans, D-Backs fans, Mariners fans, everyone hates you. Everyone is blown away.
Welcome to being the Poster Boy for Selfish Ballplayers everywhere. At least A-Rod will like you for taking that crown from him. And by the way, better not slump in April because the Yanks fans will turn on you too.
Jackass!
-T
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